mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
