Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
