You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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