He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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