I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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