Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
