He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
