I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
