Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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