Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
