mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I didn't notice because vodka
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
