Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
one two three fourrrrnication!
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
