Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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