Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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