she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
