I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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