He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
