id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
