his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
