dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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