last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
