Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
