a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
