new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
