i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
