Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
