my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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