Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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