that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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