Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
