Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
