I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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