I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
