idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
