im gay
i know
yea but for you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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