before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
