I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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