she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
