Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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