I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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