just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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