There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
