The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
