you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
