Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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