Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
