The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
