You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
