Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
