I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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