Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
