ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
