I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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