You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
