I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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