hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
organizing the empties. That sober.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's never too late to be topless.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
